By Paul Burgess, Environment Spokesman

12th December 2019

Are you sitting comfortably?
My story is about two men, Paul and John sitting on a bench in a park. Paul is the dreamer of the two but occasionally comes up with a good idea, whilst John is much more down to earth.

Paul: “Looking at those nuisance birds John, I have a great idea on how to get rid of them pretty quickly. There will be less bird droppings and I hate all that flapping of wings. My idea will make landowners richer and the poor poorer because its about time somebody stuck up for the rich instead of the constant harping on about the poor. I reckon the government will support my invention and finance it. Sound good so far?”

John: “Sounds absurd. Not everyone objects to birds like you. I can see no benefit in getting rid of them.?”

Paul: ‘Well, besides birds, some people are scared of bats and insects. So as a bonus the idea will kill hundreds of thousands of bats a year and decimate migratory insect populations thereby cutting down the food supply for many life forms as well as threatening the survival of some. Does that make better sense to you? “

John: “Not really, OK for those who do not like flapping birds, bats and insects it gets rid of a lot but I do not think the idea can fly on what you have told me so far. There must be more to it?”

Paul: “Here is the clever bit. The idea will actually add to global CO2 output but we can fool folks into thinking that it reduces global CO2.
You see the public will not understand that the manufacture, transport, erection and maintenance of them will in practice produce more CO2 than they save but I am confident we can fool them on that. Further I think we can fool the government on it as well and so they will pay for it.”

John: “But the government only has the money that it takes from its people so will not the people be paying for this idea of yours?”

Paul: “John, you are spot on but the simple fact is that a large proportion of the public have never understood that. They think that there is government money.”

John: “OK, seems stupid to me, really stupid so what is this great idea of yours?

Paul: “Glad you asked. It is to construct large quantities of huge windmill type structures with blades turning at speeds of 150 m.p.h. so that even insects cannot avoid them never mind birds. Bats do not even have to touch them get killed because the pressure differences around the blades would cause their lungs to explode. Birds that are killed fall to the ground to be spotted by birds of prey who come to investigate and get the chop themselves.

We will call them wind farms under the guise that they generate green energy with the aim of reducing plant food in the atmosphere called CO2.

You see there is all this talk about reducing CO2 but nobody seems to realise that it was at a dangerously low levels for plants before mankind started pumping more in to the atmosphere. What’s more nobody has ever defined the right level of it but there is a drive to return it to pre-industrial drought levels and that is where my wind farm invention comes in. In practice of course my wind farms will produce more CO2 from building, transporting, erecting and maintaining them. This produces more CO2 than they save but we got away with that on solar panels so it should be easy to convince the public yet again that we are doing well for the planet.”

John: “I still do not get it. I can see benefits to those who want to kill birds, bats and insects. But past that what is the benefit to others of this crazy idea of yours?” I can see the benefits in increasing this plant food thing you call CO2 but that would not even be understood by most folks because they think we have to reduce it.

Paul: “Of course there are benefits to some. Landowners will be paid large sums of money for the installations on their land. The industry that produces them, contractors who erect them all gain from the idea. I accept that someone has to pay for all this because I feel the public would not want to voluntarily pay, we will have to convince the government to force it on them. So large subsidies as well as large increases in energy bills would be the way to go.”

John: “But that would mean that in effect the rich landowners would become richer at the expense of everyone else including the poorest. It would also mean that the higher energy bills would put our economy at a huge disadvantage in relation to the other countries that do not adopt your idea. No Paul, the idea seems bonkers to me and is not one of your best. I do not believe any sensible government would fall for it. For a start it would mean almost brain washing the entire public that this is the right way to go….”

Paul: “Hold on John.The government control the education of the children so they could brainwash the young arming them to lead the fight for the idea. We can even have teenagers striking from school in support of my idea. The mainstream media, I am sure will join in on the game.”

John: “Paul, give in, nobody and I mean nobody would fall for such a stupid idea that costs so much achieves nothing but harm to the environment and the looks of the country side whilst not even achieving what it pretends to achieve – a lowering of plant food in the atmosphere.

Then you have to set about brain washing the public let alone teaching fake science to kids in school. Just think about all those pylons and wires stretched across the country side let alone these huge bird chopping machines. The whole idea is so crazy that no modern, educated civilisation could fall for it.”

Paul: “Well I suppose it was a big ask and you are probably right. It was just an idea and thinking about it, yes, a stupid one that could never fly, it was just that I do not like birds flapping around. Thanks for bringing me down to earth John.

But I do have another idea based on my new mathematical model. In fact I have proven what causes global warming and they all have it wrong.”

John: “sighs…. What is that Paul?”

Paul: “I have modelled my data with warm weather and it fits perfectly, far better than any model out there today. It proves beyond any doubt what causes warm weather.

John: “And it is?”

Paul: “Ice cream John, every time sales increase it is hot weather, and every time they decrease the weather cools!.
Nobody seems to have noticed this before but it is a better fit than the CO2 models, which show we get ice ages when CO2 is high and warm periods when CO2 is low. What do you think John?

John…. John, where are you?”.